Crypt FortySeven
by Lancer47
Summary: Sloane sends Sydney Bristow and Marcus Dixon to Sunnydale to recover a Rambaldi artifact. Complete.
1. Prologue

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

In A Fan Fiction Crossover with

ALIAS

Crypt Forty-Seven

By

S. T. Farnham

Disclaimer: Most of this stuff was created by and is owned by J. J. Abrams or Joss Whedon and their respective production companies. ABC, UPN, WB, and the incompetents who run Fox also claim certain specific rights to some of the works of Abrams and Whedon. I claim only the broad constitutionally protected right of parody and Fair Use.

Spoilers: If you're reasonably familiar with both series, I doubt you'll be spoiled by anything here.

Rating: T (PG-13)

Summary: What if Sloane found out about a Rambaldi artifact located in Sunnydale, and sent Sydney and Dixon to retrieve it?

Author's Notes: This takes place during Season 4 of Buffy and before the murder of Daniel on Alias (which was simultaneous with Season 6 of BtVS).

To be precise: after The Harsh Light of Day (and after Angel's In The Dark) but before The Initiative. Sydney Bristow is working in a state of bliss, still believing SD-6 to be part of the CIA and unaware that her father is anything but an airplane parts exporter. I have endeavored to keep the timelines accurate, but I may not have been entirely successful.

Actually, right off the bat, Sydney and Dixon shouldn't know about Rambaldi because they were introduced to this concept in the first Season of Alias. But, since we now know that Sloane has been chasing Rambaldi artifacts for at least thirty years, I think that JJ Abrams just threw in that introduction for the benefit of viewers.

Sydney has known Will for a year, and hasn't met Daniel. Oh yeah, those pesky monks inserted the memory of Dawn here too.

Cast of Characters:

From Buffy The Vampire Slayer:

Buffy Summers...Sarah Michelle Gellar

Dawn Summers...Michelle Trachtenberg

Joyce Summers...Kristine Sutherland

Alexander (Xander) Harris...Nicholas Brendon

Willow Rosenberg...Alyson Hannigan

Rupert Giles...Anthony Stewart Head

Spike, (AKA William the Bloody)...James Marsters

Harmony Kendall...Mercedes McNab

From Alias:

Sydney Bristow...Jennifer Garner

Jack Bristow...Victor Garber

Marcus Dixon...Carl Lumbly

Diane Dixon...Yvonne Farrow

Arvin Sloane...Ron Rifkin

Francie...Merrin Dungey

Marshall Flinkman...Kevin Weisman

Original Characters:

Able Montague...Dan Hedaya

Ingraham...Hey,it's that guy!

Security Section Agent 1...John Turturro

_The novelist, afraid his ideas may be foolish, slyly puts them in the mouth of some other fool and reserves the right to disavow them. _

_--Diane Johnson_

Prologue

_'Whatever is not nailed down is mine. Whatever I can pry loose is not nailed down'.–-Collis P. Huntington (1821 – 1900)_

Able Montague walked slowly and cautiously down the tunnel. It was dimly lit, with odd furniture scattered about – there was dresser, a king-size bed, clothing scattered about the rock floor, and old rusty chandelier (he wondered where the power came from) – all told the effect was hideous. He couldn't imagine what kind of person would want to live in such a dank, dark, rat-infested, and generally inhospitable place, much less sleep here. He stiffened involuntarily when he spotted a corpse chained to the wall; apparently the poor guy had been tortured to death. He checked his Smith & Wesson .38, making certain it was loaded, safety off, and loose in its holster. Looking ahead in the uncertain light, he could see evidence of digging. _Hell and damnation, _he thought_, all the goodies will be gone. Oh, well, I've come this far, I might as have a look anyway_.

Stepping carefully up a side tunnel, he was amazed to see that someone had cut through the concrete and stone ceiling of the tunnel into an old crypt above. What a lot of work just to loot crypts! He easily suppressed his excitement because he fully expected to find an empty chamber, but he climbed up anyway, just in case something was left behind. As he got to his feet and shined his light around, he was utterly dumbfounded. He couldn't believe his eyes as he took in glorious piles of jewels, gold, silver trinkets … this was the discovery of a lifetime! He almost wished he were a real archaeologist instead of a looter, but that feeling passed quickly when he started to add up the meltdown worth of the gold alone. If he couldn't get at least a hundred thousand dollars out of this, his name wasn't Able! But first, he needed to do a careful cataloging to see if there was anything he could sell to his special customers.

The discovery left Able so full of energy that he didn't even notice the passage of time, and he hadn't had more than six hours sleep in the previous forty-eight hours. But he felt preternaturally awake when he picked up an ancient iron box that had been hidden under some jewel-encrusted robes and an old corpse. He nonchalantly broke the old iron lock with his rock hammer and applied force to the lid, which opened with a loud creak. He looked inside – at first he was terribly disappointed, it was just a junky old clock built on a music box base. But, he looked a little closer and noticed there were some nice jewels decorating the hands and tick marks. And some old writing. He paused, he felt his heart almost stop when he recognized the symbol engraved on the back: a pair of French brackets with a capitol 'O' in between.

He actually stopped breathing for a moment and then got out his loupe for a closer look. Then he frantically grabbed his cell phone and hit the speed dial, he was so excited he didn't even wonder that it worked from this far underground.


	2. Chapter 1

Chapter I

_'There aren't enough hours in the day.'_

_--Sydney Bristow_

-- --

Sydney's alarm clock went off at exactly 4:00 AM, as it did every day, including Sundays and holidays. Her eyes popped open, and, full of energy as always, she jumped out of bed, excited to begin another day of grad school study and work at the CIA. She pulled on a sweatshirt and shorts and started her morning calisthenic routine. Half an hour later, after pushing the 'on' button on her coffee pot (which she had prepped the night before, naturally) she had a quick shower, threw on some jeans and a t-shirt and sat down at her small desk. Both of her desktops were organized to perfection, of course, so her Farsi course notes and language software were exactly ready for her use. It took her all of fifteen minutes to memorize fifty new verbs – she started to repeat each one out loud and simultaneously she reached over to the coffee pot.

At five o'clock her desktop timer beeped and she put down her Farsi notes and picked up her textbook on Vietnamese. She found the study of languages to be utterly fascinating and wished she could devote 100 of her time to linguistics, but she could hear the call of duty. In fact, it was her pager going off. She looked at the little screen, Sloane of course, who else would call her before breakfast?

-- --

_'There REALLY aren't enough hours in the day.'_

_--Marcus Dixon_

-- --

Dixon kissed Diane in passing as he rushed around trying to find his shoes.

"Diane," he said frantically, "where are my good shoes? I put them right there in the middle of the floor yesterday, how come they're not there now?"

"Slow down dear, whoever needs your bank's money today can wait a few minutes. Your shoes were absolutely filthy, if I didn't know better I'd think you'd kicked someone in the head while standing in the middle of a muddy field! I cleaned your shoes, and shined them for you, you know you must look your best, especially among a bunch of stodgy old white bread conservative bankers!"

Dixon controlled his external reactions. _Oh shit, _he thought,_ I almost blew it. I should have stopped by the shoeshine stand before coming home yesterday._ "Now Diane, I've told you before, Credit Dauphine is a very forward looking company, you'll not find a single stodgy individual in the whole building. And I assure you, no one there is in the least bit narrow minded, at least, no one who counts for anything. But I really do need to go; I can't be late for this morning's meeting. I'm to confer with colleagues from France today, you know, senior managers – its some sort of emergency."

As always, the constant lying to his wife about his work at CIA/SD-6 made him feel a little sick to his stomach. But, he convinced himself yet again that it was for her protection. Diane silently pointed to the closet. He could see that she had exchanged her banter for bad attitude, the one that told him she could see that something wasn't quite right, there was some little thing between them that she wasn't sure of. But, she couldn't tell what it was, she wasn't entirely sure that there was anything to worry about, and he couldn't come clean.

-- --

_Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a man of some sense to know how to lie well._

_-- Samuel Butler (1853 – 1902)_

-- --

Six a.m. and Sydney ran into the parking level elevator lobby and nearly knocked Dixon off his feet, they were both rushing headlong to catch the elevator. As they stood in the cab, the armed elevator operator pushed the button for sublevel six, they glanced at each other and grinned. _At last_, they both thought, _someone who knows what I do for a living!_

Dixon and Sydney walked briskly through the office, into the conference room and sat down at the table. They were the last ones in this morning. Sloane, with his Hollywood stubble and two-thousand dollar suit, stood at the head of the table. Marshall apparently needed sleep, but was studying what looked like an electronic game, but no, that couldn't be, could it? Some other guy from Tech Section sat next to Marshall, and one of those creepy dudes from Security Section next to him. The Security guy had that faint look that all those guys had, the look that said _'I know something you don't'_. Syd found it unnerving as always, and wondered what that was about, but put it aside as one of those CIA things that she didn't fall within her 'need to know' parameters.

Sloane said, "Good morning Agent Bristow, Agent Dixon. I'm glad you could make it this early. Please listen to this, a phone call that Marshall and Ingraham worked on very early this morning. I received this call late yesterday evening. Please peruse the transcripts." He pointed to Marshall, who hurriedly put away his electronic game (with an apologetic glance at Sloane) and handed them each a bound report:

TELCON TRANSCRIPTION 347FI3KS10-KD/STF/MF 11/05/1999 SD-6 LA CD SEC SEC TR

CLASSIFIED LEVEL THREE 'NEED TO KNOW' ONLY. DO NOT DISSEMINATE OUTSIDE SD-6. PHYSICAL COPY THREE (3) OF FIVE (5) ASSIGNED TO AGENT S. BRISTOW EMP. ID #(CLASSIFIED LEVEL FOUR)

TRANSMISSION STARTS 11/04/1999 19:43:04

CD OPERATOR:

"Credit Dauphine stands ready to meet your private banking needs! How may I direct your call?"

ABLE MONTAGUE:

"Uh,please, uh, extension, uh, 47, and hurry!"

CD OPERATOR:

"One moment please."

TELEPHONE SWITCHING SOUNDS: ENTIRELY NORMAL; WE FOUND NO EVIDENCE OF TAMPERING OR UNAUTHORIZED TAPS. HOLD MUSIC: ROLLING STONES MEDLEY, AS PLAYED BY THE LAWERENCE WELK ORCHESTRA. 46 SECONDS.

SLOANE: "Yeah."

BACKGROUND SOUNDS: (1) 90 CERTAIN ID: NATURAL WATER DRIP, FIVE DRIPS PER MINUTE, 8 ERROR RATE, 14DB.

ABLE MONTAGUE:"Mr. Sloane, Mr. Sloane, this is Able (STUTTER) Montague, I found it, I found it, I found it!"

BACKGROUND SOUNDS:(2) ANALYSIS OF SOUND AMBIANCE AND ECHOS INDICATES APPROX. 5000 CU. FT. SPACE, 32 MAX ERROR, ASSUMMING HARD SURFACED WALLS. SEE APPENDIX II FOR METHODOLOGY AND GRAPHICAL INTERPRETATION OF NUMERICAL ASSUMPTIONS.

SLOANE:"Slow down Mr. Montague, calm yourself. Now, what did you find?"

ABLE MONTAGUE:"A (CLASSIFIED LEVEL FOUR)! A genuine (CLASSIFIED LEVEL FOUR)! It's a (CLASSIFIED LEVEL FOUR)! Will you still pay me a million dollars for it? It's in good condition, although the lock is broken on the iron box, but will you still pay?"

BACKGROUND SOUNDS:(3)TENTATIVE ID: IRON CLINKING ON IRON.

SLOANE:"Yes I will Mr. Montague. In fact, there may a bonus depending on the precise artifact and the condition. Where are you?"

ABLE MONTAGUE:"I'm in an old underground crypt in Sunnydale, California. I can bundle this thing up and be in LA in less than three hours, if I don't crash my truck. Man I'm hungry, I need to get something to eat, some sleep, and breakfast maybe."

BACKGROUND SOUNDS:(4)FAINT INSECT CHITTERING. TENTATIVE ID: VARIOUS BEETLES.

SLOANE:"If the artifact is genuine it is (CLASSIFIED LEVEL FOUR) centuries old,plus or minus a few years. A few more hours won't hurt, if it will help keep it in one piece. I could have a team meet you there if you'd like."

BACKGROUND SOUNDS:(5)TENTATIVE ID: SOUNDS OF A PERSON QUIETLY CLIMBING; (6) TENTATIVE ID: STEALTHY STEPS.

ABLE MONTAGUE:"Maybe that's a good idea, but look PAUSE wait, who's there?"

BACKGROUND SOUNDS:(7)85 PER CENT PROBABLE POSITIVE ID: THREE GUNSHOTS FROM RAPIDLY FIRED REVOLVER. NOTE: SMITH & WESSON .38 CALIBER REVOLVER KNOWN TO BE CARRIED BY ABLE MONTAGUE. PRELIMINARY ANALYSIS OF GUNSHOT SOUND IS CONGRUENT WITH KNOWN INFORMATION.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE:"Bugger! I hate it when one of you wankers shoots me!"

BACKGROUND SOUNDS:(8)UNIDENTIFIED; (9) TENTATIVE ID: SCREAM FROM MONTAGUE; (10) TENTATIVE ID: SOUND OF KNIFE CUTTING THROUGH SOFT TISSUE; (11) UNIDENTIFIED;(12) UNINTELLIGIBLE WORDS; HYPOTHOSIS (8-12): UNKNOWN MALE WAS SPOTTED BY MONTAGUE WHO SHOT BUT MISSED. UNKNOWN MALE THEN CUT MONTAGUE'S THROAT.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE:"Eh, not bad, a little stringy though. Harm! Git yer butt up here!"

BACKGROUND SOUNDS:(13)UNIDENTIFIED; (14) UNIDENTIFIED; (15) TENTATIVE ID: CLIMBING SOUNDS;(16) TENTATIVE ID: STEPS; (17) TENTATIVE ID: PERSON TRIPPING, ANALYSIS SUGGESTS 125 POUNDS.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE (POSSIBLE NICKNAME: HARM):"Ouch! Spikey! What are we doing back here? Just because Angel kicked you out of LA doesn't mean we have to…" INTERFERENCE FOR 3 SECS.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE (POSSIBLE NAME: SPIKE):"Here, have a taste. I ate last night and I'm still full. This daft bugger was rooting around INTERFERENCE what do you suppose is in this old INTERFERENCE"

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE:"Oooh looky, what a cute little red cell phone! PAUSE I wonder what this button …"

STANDARD DIAL TONE

TRANSMISSION ENDS 11/04/1999 19:45:18

LOCATION:

CELL:...(CLASSIFIED LEVEL FOUR)

TOWER ID:...(CLASSIFIED LEVEL FOUR)

LONGITUDE:...(CLASSIFIED LEVEL FOUR)

LATITUDE:...(CLASSIFIED LEVEL FOUR)

ALTITUDE:...(CLASSIFIED LEVEL FOUR)

END TELCON TRANSCRIPTION 347FI3KS10-KD/STF/MF11/05/1999 1643 SD-6 LA CD SEC SEC TR

Sydney frowned as she read the transcript. She looked up when Marshall said, "Sorry for the overzealous classifications in the transcript, but we were really rushing and some Security Section goon was mouth-breathing over my shoulder." Marshall was oblivious of the Security Section agent glaring at him from two seats down. "OK, here's the complete raw audio, then I'll play it again, but filtered as best we could."

When the recordings ended Sydney and Dixon both frowned even deeper and glanced at each other. Sydney observed, "That's a very odd exchange at the end. What were they eating do you suppose? And why would they be talking about food while standing over the dead and still bleeding body? I mean, what kind of monster could even **think** of eating in a situation like that?"

Dixon added, "The unidentified male sounds authentically cockney, the girl just sounds like a ditz though."

Sydney continued, "They're both distinctive voices, why don't you send the tape to NSA and see if they can match it with any other voice conversations they may have on file?" She turned to Sloane with a questioning look.

Sloane said, "Now Sydney, you know we've had this conversation before, NSA has a completely different mission than SD-6, it's very hard to get intel from them. I will take your suggestion under advisement though."

Dixon said, "This is ridiculous, sir, after all, we're all on the same side. Can't you get some Senator or other to come down on them, we need that intel!"

Sloane looked like he had heartburn. "I'll get on it," he said with a frown, "but in the meantime, I want you two to go to…" he glanced down at the report, "…Sunnydale. Security Section will give you the coordinates, and you will investigate and see if you can retrieve the Rambaldi Artifact. Note that your mission is to retrieve the artifact, finding the murderer is secondary. However, if you can get information on the perpetrators without jeopardizing your primary mission, it would be a nice plus."

Sydney frowned even deeper and said, "But sir, Sunnydale is in California, a state within the borders of the continental US, if I remember my elementary school geography lessons correctly. CIA isn't supposed to operate there; but perhaps you are more familiar with the regulations than I. Why don't you call in the FBI or maybe even the local police?"

Sloan's heartburn apparently got a little worse. "Sydney, I really don't appreciate your attempts at sarcasm. There are very good reasons for this to remain an SD-6 operation, totally in house. And you are NOT authorized to call any of our brother agencies for help, under any circumstances. But I can assure you, Sydney, that this assignment is truly important to the United States! Marshall, you're up."

Sydney tried to look apologetic, but wasn't particularly successful.

Marshall stood up and with a shrug and a non-verbal apology to Syd, said, "Well, I really don't have anything very special for you. I mean, it's not like you're going to Siberia – Sunnydale is just a few hours from here, you're not even crossing state lines. Oh, sorry Mr. Sloane, I didn't mean to impugn – I'll get back on topic.

I do advise you to be very careful though, because the death rate in Sunnydale is unusually high – unless the statistics that I have been able to uncover are wrong, and I believe there is a good chance that that is the case. Since this is a local operation, I have obtained for you State of California private detective licenses, you will find that these pass the most rigorous inspection. It took just a little finagling with the State of California Computer System to spit these babies out."

Marshall wriggles and almost does a little dance of joy but stops when he notices Sloane's glare. "You'll have one of our standard Chevy Suburbans, I equipped it with useful tools for underground exploration. Also, handguns, rifles and machetes, all legally licensed for a pleasant change."

"Machetes?" questioned Sydney, "You think we'll be hacking through a rain forest in Sunnydale?"

"Well, you never know what will be useful, do you?"

-- --


	3. Chapter 2

Chapter II

_If you don't know where you are going, it doesn't matter what road you take._

_--Lewis Carroll _

-- --

Buffy walked across the UC Sunnydale Campus with assurance and confidence fairly bursting from every pore. Other students stepped out of her way when they saw her coming. It was almost nine o'clock and she had just a few minutes to get to her freshman psychology class, and she just knew that the evil-bitch-monster-of-death professor was gunning for her.

The commons area had nice wide sidewalks with inlaid stones laid out in pleasing geometrical patterns, which was intended for a delightful view from the Administration Building. Unfortunately for the architect's vision, the students preferred direct paths and ignored the sidewalks. So, ugly tracks were worn into the otherwise perfectly maintained lawn and only the unhurried faculty used the sidewalks. There was talk in the administration about ripping up the sidewalks and laying new ones along the natural paths, but someone pointed out that the students would most likely start using the paths of the old sidewalks then, just to be rebellious, so there the matter stood, irritating the hell of the dean whenever he looked out his office window.

These and other pointless thoughts were coursing through Buffy's head when she started across one of the little narrow streets that wandered pleasantly through the campus, but were rendered nearly useless by the frequent 'NO Parking' signs. So Buffy was surprised by a large black Suburban bearing down on her and she jumped out of the way. Her slayer strength sure would have been required to save her life then, except that the driver of the Suburban also had fast reflexes and had instantly swerved out of Buffy's path. And so Buffy advertised some of her unusual ability in a way that she wished she hadn't. She stared at the SUV as it drove off, noting the license plate number as well as the striking woman driving it.

After her two o'clock class, Buffy headed off to meet the Willow at the Espresso Pump. She noticed the black Suburban that almost ran her down that morning parked along the street between the campus and some old warehouses. She slowed her pace and watched as two people hauled some gear out of the back and into the warehouse. She thought that was mildly curious, but went on her way.

-- --

_'Go ahead and do it, apologize later.'_

_-- Admiral Grace Hopper_

-- --

That night, on her regular patrol, Buffy decided to swing by the warehouse where she had seen the black Suburban earlier. She couldn't decide whether it was her Slayer Sense or just curiosity that drove her in that direction, but she had learned long ago to trust her instincts and gut feelings.

When she got to the correct block, there were no vehicles parked on the street. But she saw dim lights inside the abandoned warehouse, which seemed unusual enough to investigate. From the sidewalk by the building, she glanced around to see if the coast was clear and when she didn't see anyone around she leaped fourteen feet into the air and grabbed an old but sturdy cast-iron drainpipe. She climbed the pipe to the roof and flipped over the parapet. It took her several minutes of wandering around on the spacious flat roof to discover an access hatch to the spaces below. The hatch appeared to be fastened from the inside, but she broke it easily and disappeared inside the structure.

Buffy stepped carefully along a catwalk near the ceiling. She couldn't begin to imagine the purpose of these catwalks, but she sure found them useful. Avoiding the too obvious ladder down, she reached out to a steel column, and climbed down to the floor. She had spotted the black Suburban, and some unidentified equipment, but she didn't see anyone, or any thing, for that matter.

After wandering aimlessly around the floor of the cavernous warehouse, strolling in and around stacks of ancient crates and huge rusted machinery of unfathomable purpose, she finally found an open entrance to Sunnydale's capacious tunnel complex, with a couple of power lines running down from a portable generator, alongside the black Chevy. _Now **that's** interesting,_ she thought, _I'd better check it out._ And she glanced down to see if there was a landing site, and jumped down.

She knew of this tunnel. Giles and Willow had precisely described it to her after she fought Spike for the Gem of Amara. So she knew this would lead to the crypt of gems and jewels that she and the rest of the Scooby's had been ignoring for reasons that were beyond her. She also figured that Spike and Harmony were long gone, and the people up ahead were either grave robbers or looters, and that there might well be other vampires who took up residence in the meantime. So she continued down the well-marked path, which was lit with temporary lights strung up every so often. These people were making absolutely no effort to be inconspicuous.

However, Buffy could see that there was going to be trouble, since she could see evidence of recent vampire activity. So, keeping her ears tuned, she continued forward, striding down the center of the tunnel like she owned the place.

She passed through what looked to be a vampire's luxury bedroom. She noticed a couple of broken ceramic unicorns and thought, _Ha! Harmony's been here. _Then she saw the corpse hanging in chains. _Oh geez, I knew that guy, he was in High School with us. I really need to stake Harmony one of these days_. Inside Buffy was torn up, outside she looked calm and unmoved. After as much death as she has seen, she could compartmentalize to a fare-thee-well.

Passing through the vamp bedroom, as she neared the overhead hole to the crypt she heard voices and stopped to listen.

"Oh Francie, just go out with him, have fun and stop worrying about it! I'm sure he's completely forgotten that whole embarrassing thing by now. Oh, and could you do me a favor and drop off my European History paper to Professor Thibodaux? I completely forgot it this morning in my rush to get to work. It's on my desk, should be the one on top. Thanks Francie, look, I have to go now, the clients are starting to arrive. Bye bye!"

"One of these days you'll have to introduce me to Francie, although I feel like I'm getting to know her just listening to your one-sided conversations."

"Oh hush Dixon, you're not supposed to listen when I'm on the phone."

"How can I not hear you when this place is silent as a tomb?"

"Uh Dix, did you just make a joke?"

"Just a little one Syd."

There was silence for a few minutes, except for the clink of metal on metal as the two continued their search. Finally, Sydney said, "Well, we have to face facts, the Rambaldi Artifact isn't here, not the one in the mission statement anyway. Even though that single page you found may cause Sloane to wet his pants, it isn't the one we were sent to get, nor is it the one that poor Able was murdered for."

"I know Sydney, but when does a mission ever go perfectly? The only thing left is to track down Montague's murderer and see if he still has it."

"What the does CIA want with this Rambaldi crapola anyway, Dix? I mean, it has to be complete and total bullshit. And yet, intelligence agencies all over the world are crazy about this stuff. I can hardly believe that Sloane would pay a million bucks for it, that just doesn't seem like a responsible use of taxpayer dollars."

"Man, ya got me Syd."

-- --

_'Don't bother bringing a gun to a fang fight.'_

_--Buffy Summers_

_'Join the CIA, see the world, meet interesting, exciting people, and kill them.'_

_--Anon._

-- --

_CIA!_ Buffy decided to fade back into a convenient hollow and wait patiently while digesting this surprising information. Waiting was a strain, but eventually her targets tired of the crypt and climbed down, rolling up the power cord and lights as they went.

As Sydney and Dixon disappeared around a bend, Buffy stepped out of her hiding place and jumped up into the crypt. She looked around with interest and stepped over to the corpse for a closer look using her little pocket flashlight.

She examined the neck wound and said, "Oh great, I recognize the teeth marks," to the empty space, with a look of exasperation.

She jumped back down and followed the tunnel back towards the warehouse. She stopped for a moment and looked around carefully. Her Slayer Sense was tingling a little, but she finally decided it was just residual vampire activity and continued down the tunnel to her targets. Buffy didn't have any problem staying out of sight, but got close enough to overhear:

"Well, I'm at a loss Syd, what's next?"

"Hmm, we need to get Marshal to track that cell phone. That may be our only lead. If there was another clue up there, it's well hidden."

"Sloane ain't gonna like our report."

"Life's tough. If you don't believe me, just ask Able."

"Yeah, you got a point, Syd. I guess we'd better make arrangements to take care of the body. We'll have to see what Sloane wants to do about it."

While Sydney and Dixon were occupied with neatly stowing the power lines and lights in fancy aluminum cases, Buffy quietly sneaked around to the warehouse access hole and jumped up. She quickly went hand over hand up the same column she had come down and made her way up to the catwalk. And not a moment too soon because Sydney and Dixon climbed out of the hole seconds later. While they were arranging their gear in the Suburban, Buffy noticed a vampire sneaking below her. _Oh no_, she thought, _there's gonna be trouble_.

As the vamp spotted his prey, and started a fast run and leapt to Sydney's back, Buffy was getting ready to jump over the railing to join the fray. She stopped in surprise though when Sydney apparently responded to a subliminal warning and spun and kicked the vampire with tremendous force, for a non-slayer anyway. Buffy sank back down to her knees and watched the fight below with professional fascination. She could see that Sydney was a tremendously practiced expert at what Buffy could only identify as some sort of mixture of martial arts and kick boxing. Whatever it was, she was good. Buffy could see that Sydney was familiar with fighting stronger and heavier opponents, and used every trick in the book to keep the upper hand, or foot. If her opponent hadn't been a vampire, she would've won handily.

Then Dixon came around the side of the truck with a 9mm Beretta, "Freeze, or I'll shoot!" he shouted.

The vamp, of course, ignored him, so Dixon shot him in the gut. The vampire backed up a step, looked daggers at Dixon, and leapt back to attack a very startled Sydney, this time with a vamped out face. Dixon emptied his gun into the vamp, but to no avail. Buffy could see that Syd was shocked, and she appeared to be tiring. So was Dixon. Now both Dixon and Sydney were fighting the vampire, but they were losing. Then a second vampire joined in.

The agents each grabbed an arm of the first vamp and swung him in an arc, hitting the second and throwing them both yards away. The first fell into the hole to the tunnels below, he bellowed and started to climb back up. Dixon flung himself frantically into the back of the truck, looking for the rifle, he couldn't find it, the vamps were coming back, Sydney was alone out there, so he grabbed the first thing that came to hand, a machete. He leaped out, tripped and rolled into the first vampire, who had regained the warehouse floor. Sydney was trading blows with the second vamp. Dixon, almost to his feet and seeing the first vampire reaching towards him, swung the machete wildly and connected with the vampire's neck, coming very close to decapitating his attacker.

Buffy looked around and saw a foot-long wood splinter hanging near to breaking on one the old wooden truss joists. She cracked it off, and took careful aim. She flung it with a Slayer's speed and accuracy and hit Sydney's vampire in the back. It penetrated his heart and he turned to dust. Sydney kicked through the cloud of dust and tumbled to the floor, looking at the dust cloud in dumbfounded disbelief. Buffy faded silently back into the shadows, unseen. The other vamp slowly burst into dust, the head hanging on by a mere thread for many seconds, until he POOFED! Sydney and Dixon stared at each other, shocked out of their wits.

"How are we going to explain this?" asked Dixon, plaintively.

"Explain it? WE don't even know what happened! Those guys just turned to dust! That. Is. Not. Possible! The only thing that I'm willing to tell anyone is, 'the attackers ran away', that's it. Let's get the hell out of Sunnydale, you drive, I'll try to sleep, I have a class in 'Mysticism In European Literature' in four hours. We can't even ask Marshall for his opinion!"

"Yeah," replied a morose Dixon, "he'd have us locked up in a loony bin."

Buffy smiled as she overheard the last sentence.

-- --


	4. Chapter 3

Chapter III

_'If it's a stupid idea that works, it's not so stupid, is it?'  
--Harmony_

-- --

"Spike! SPIKE! Spiiiikeeeey! Where are you? You're not gonna **believe** how much that rusty old iron box is worth!"

"Harm, shut the hell up!" mumbled Spike from under the covers.

Harmony yanked the covers off Spike's bed, and was momentarily distracted by his bare ass, but remembered why she was there, "Spike, get up! That iron box thingy we got from the crypt after you lost the Gem of Amara? There's someone who will pay a million dollars for it! A million dollars Spike! We can go to Paris after all!" Harmony does a little dance and tries to sing a song in French. She fails miserably, but it doesn't faze her.

Spike went through a range of emotion, from '_I'm gonna stake you'_ to '_total greed'_, then '_caution'_. "Where did you hear this, luv?"

Harmony replied, "I went back to our old place to get some of my unicorns, who broke my unicorns anyway? I couldn't believe it, only three were unbroken! Did you do that?"

"Harm," Spike said with great deliberation, "would you please get back to the subject?"

"Oh yeah, well anyway, while I was down there I heard some people coming down the tunnel, stringing up lights and things. So I hid, you know, back in that offshoot that looks like a niche but is actually a good size tunnel that heads toward the campus? You know, right next to where I wanted you to install a closet? It's a perfect place, a nice walk-in would fit there, complete with hanging rods and shelves for my shoes. But you wouldn't, you bastard you …"

"Harm, PLEASE stop haring off on tangents!"

"OK, but what's a tangent again? I never did well in math …"

"Harm, if you don't tell me what you heard I swear by all the demon's that I hold dear that I WILL CUT YER BLEEDIN' HEAD OFF!"

"Well," she said haughtily, "if THAT'S all you want. So anyway, these people came along and went up into the old crypt, and tell me again why we don't just sell all those old jewels and things?" But Spike just motioned at her to go on. "So anyway, they went up there and starting looking for something. They weren't happy with the corpse we left there either, I think they knew him, I mean from when he was alive. Anyway, I was thinking about going up there and eating them when Buffy came down tunnel! I couldn't believe it! I was in such danger! The Slayer! Right there in front of me! So I stayed hidden and was quiet as a mouse, you know how good I can be at not making a sound …"

Spike interrupted, "Yeah babe, you and yer vow of silence. The subject! Come to the point, Harm!"

"OKAY Spikey. Anyway, Buffy went and stood under the hole and listened to them. Can you believe it? The Slayer is an eavesdropper! A peeping Tom! Or is it Peeping Tommie? But jeez, so much for that all holier than thou attitude, huh!" Spike glared some more. "Anyway, I heard them say something about Rambo art, some facts or something – I didn't get that part – but that metal box we have is worth ONE MILLION DOLLARS! Some guy named Sloane – at least I think that's what he said, would it make more sense if he said Stallone? You know, because of the Rambo thing? – anyway, he'll pay us for it! This Sloane guy, he's got OUR million bucks! We get our money, then we can go to Paris!"

Spike mumbled under his breathe, "YOU can go to Paris, and then maybe I can get some sleep."

-- --

_Things aren't always what they appear.  
--Anon_.

The next afternoon Buffy joined Willow and Dawn at the Espresso Pump. She was telling them about the CIA connection when, much to her surprise, Sydney and Dixon walked in. She signaled 'hush' to her companions and sipped her cappuccino and shamelessly eavesdropped. Sydney was talking on her cell phone while Dixon was arranging for two café Americanos to go.

Sydney said, "OK Marshall, we're on our way. You keep watch now, let me know if anything changes." She put her phone away and turned to her partner, "There hasn't been any movement of the suspects' phone since sunrise. We're going to the north side of town, there's some kind of abandoned factory there that Marshall says is the current location of the phone. I wish we could call for backup, but Sloane is absolutely firm that we keep this to the two of us."

"He could at least send some more SD-6 Agents, couldn't he?"

"Apparently not, he thinks a whole crowd of us would attract the attention of local law, something he wishes to avoid. This whole thing is starting to feel like it's not entirely on the up and up to me – some kind of off-the-books operation, or at least a little further off the books than usual for us. Still, it's got to be safer than Afghanistan, or any of a dozen other places we've been in the last few years."

Sydney glanced around and noticed Buffy looking at them. Buffy quickly looked away. Sydney noted that, but she felt that they were too far away to be overheard. Still, she nudged Dixon and when she got his attention raised her eyebrows towards Buffy's table. "Isn't that the girl who made that prodigious jump yesterday morning? She should be a track star."

"Yep," said Dixon, "that's her all right. I never forget a face."

"Oh Dix," replied Syd, "you never forget a pretty young woman either."

"Hush up Syd, she's young enough to be my daughter, get your mind out of the gutter! You know very well that Diane is more than enough woman for any man. Come on, let's go to work, I'm obviously not keeping you busy enough."

"Not to worry Dix, I'm just screwing with your head," Sydney frowned as her cell phone rang. She answered it, "Hello, this is Sydney." She sat and signaled Dixon to sit. "Oh hi Francie … yeah I've got a minute, we're taking a coffee break … oh no! Not again! … You've got to stop that … yeah, I'll help. Look, I have to go now, but tomorrow we'll take care of it. Bye Francie."

Sydney noticed Buffy had her head down; she appeared to be trying to keep from laughing at something. But her friends' attention seemed to be on something else entirely, it appeared. Syd couldn't help but wonder if that girl's hearing was as good as her jumping ability. She wouldn't normally entertain such thoughts, but the fight they'd had yesterday seemed tinged with the supernatural. She shook her head as if to clear cobwebs from her brain and said to Dixon, "Come on, we've work to do."

-- --

_'Everybody wants to save the earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes.'  
-–P.J. O'Rourke _

-- --

"I've got to go guys," said Buffy, as she watched Sydney and Dixon get into their black Suburban with all the interesting looking goodies in the back, "I think it may be time to introduce ourselves to these people."

"But Buffy, you're gonna have a hard time following them, with you being on foot and all," said Willow.

"Nah, I know where they're going. But I think this may require the services of the Scooby gang, why don't you get Giles and Xander and meet me at the factory? It will help to have Giles along when it comes to the convincing department. And drop off Dawn at home, I don't want Mom worrying unnecessarily."

"Drop me off in what sister dearest? We're all walking, remember?" Dawn sneered.

"Dawnie, please, just go home."

"NO! I am GOING to finish my hot chocolate AND my biscotti while you're off playing with your stupid vampires, THEN I'll go home WHEN I'm good and ready!" Dawn said with a fourteen year olds' stubbornness.

Buffy sighed and turned to leave – she was too angry to say anything. Dawn waved at Willow and sipped from her cup while watching Buffy. As soon as Buffy was out of sight, Dawn slipped off her chair and followed.

-- --

_'Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence.'  
-–Carl Sagan _

-- --

"So Dixon, what the hell are we going to do about this? I mean, vampires don't exist, do they?" They were driving though the warehouse district north of town, heading towards the factory, just passing the Bronze.

"Let's just keep telling ourselves that, Sydney, vampires don't exist. That's fictional stuff, Hollywood fantasy, nothing to do with us. Those guys turning to dust? That was … it was just a … some kind of natural pheno… Oh damn it all to hell and back! Who are we kidding Syd?"

Sydney said reflectively, "Well, lets see, we have fang marks, turning to dust on decapitation, horrible growling, fangs, strange facial morphology, unnatural strength, and, unless my powers of observation have completely atrophied, poor Able Montague had been drained of most of his blood. What I can't figure out, what leaves me totally stumped, is why did the one I was fighting turn to dust? I didn't do anything! I was shifting my center around to kick him again, concentrating on getting into the right position, watching my balance, watching for weapons, and – shazam! – he turned to dust! I can tell you that sure threw my balance off. It was so unexpected I nearly broke something when I hit the floor!"

"Well then, here's one more piece of the puzzle," replied Dixon, "I didn't want to say anything because I am not at all certain of what I saw, but I could have sworn I saw something flash by. It was entirely in my peripheral vision, so I can't say I got a good look, but it looked like some kind of weapon, a knife or stake or something, came from somewhere up and behind me – right into the back of your vampire, just before he dusted. God, just saying the word makes me feel foolish! I think, Sydney, that we need to collect more evidence, and perhaps we will have to keep open minds. But you know, it's far more likely that somebody is playing a massive trick on us, I mean vampires, come on! Of course, if I am right about the weapon, that means that somebody around here is following us around and trying to keep us safe. That's a little freaky when you think about it."

"I wonder if it's our track star, the way she keeps turning up. First, I almost ran her down, and then I saw walking past the warehouse when we had the truck parked outside later that same afternoon. Then she showed up at that coffee place a few minutes ago."

"You're really reaching Syd."

"Yeah, I know, but that dusting business has really screwed with my head, the world – at least the world here in Sunnydale – has layers that I never expected outside of the Twilight Zone. Really, I just want to finish this mission and go back to LA where there aren't any vampires!"

Sydney drove to the warehouse at the address Marshall sent them. She didn't see any cars around, or people, so she drove up to the nearest door and parked. "Well Dix, I guess we'll just walk in the front door and see what happens."

"Is that the wisest choice?" Dixon asked as they got out of the car.

"Don't know, I can't think of any reasonable explanation to be here, if we should happen to run into anyone who is here legitimately. And I can't think of a good reason to choose one entrance over another, so – the front door may save time."

Dixon opened the door and motioned Sydney ahead into what appeared to be an abandoned office, albeit on with no ceiling – it was open to the warehouse overhead. As they hesitantly advanced, the inner door suddenly slammed open and Harmony backed in, carrying the Iron Box. She turned around and everybody had an _'Ah-Hah!_' moment – then Sydney grabbed for the box. But she was unprepared for Harmony's strength and tenacity: Harmony hung on to the box as if it were glued to her and knocked Sydney to the floor.

Harmony, still holding on to the Rambaldi Artifact – leapt straight up some twenty feet and grabbed on to a catwalk. She jumped over the rail and ran off into the gloom.

The front door slammed open (the doors in this place seemed incapable of operating like a regular doors) and Giles, Xander and Willow rushed in.

"What in the blue blazes of hell is going on here!" shouted Sydney, to everyone in general. Dixon obviously felt the same way, but he was having a hard time saying anything.

"Hi, my name is Buffy, the Vampire Slayer. And this is Giles, Willow and Xander. And guys, this is Sydney and this is Dixon. They're CIA agents. They wish to recover that iron box that Harmony had, although I don't know why."

Sydney looked a little like a fish, she was opening and closing her mouth in total surprise at Buffy's introductions. "No, no, we're not CIA, really, we're private detectives, we're licensed!" she said, while waving her arms about. She shut up when she realized that it probably wasn't possible to be any less convincing.

"Sure, whatever you say Sydney," Buffy said with a grin, "but I did overhear your conversation in Spike's old crypt. Still, none of us is going to go around blabbing about your business."

Giles added, "By the way, what does the CIA think of vampires? Oh sorry, I meant: your 'detective' agency."

Dixon and Sydney looked at each other with a certain amount of despair. Oh, this had better not get back to Sloane or their asses would be toast, their expressions said to each other.

"Um, we don't actually know what our – clients – want these artifacts for, but we're paid to get them from time to time, so we do. Also, we have an interest in finding out who murdered Mr. Able Montague, whose corpse we found in the surprisingly public crypt that we thought was private. Do you have anything to add Dixon?"

"Our, uh agency, knows nothing of vampires and furthermore, I feel certain that they do not wish to know anything about vampires and would probably treat with deep suspicion anyone who tried to claim, officially or unofficially, that vampires exist."

"Well," said Buffy, "I know who your murderer is, it's a vampire named Spike, AKA William the Bloody. You probably don't want to know how he got either of his names. The trick is gonna to be finding him. The other vampire you've met, the girl with the box – her name is Harmony. She's a ditz, but she could be a dangerous ditz. Although her chief survival skill is the ability to run away when the going gets tough, she'll turn and kill when cornered. I guess, if you want your box, you'd better follow me."

Buffy nonchalantly opened the door (which slammed to the wall) to the warehouse and marched through. Outside the door she stopped by a railing that overlooked a large concrete pit. The others crowded behind her, a look of near-despair on some faces. Below them, standing around in vamp-face, were about twenty vampires, and they looked ready for battle.

"Oh hell," said Sydney, "let's get out of here!"

Buffy smiled at her, "Watch me, I'm going to show you what a Slayer is!"

"Buffy no!" exclaimed Giles, "there's too many! Even you can't fight that many at once!"

"Stakes all around Giles." Buffy opened her bag, grabbed a couple of stakes, tossed the remainder to Giles, and jumped to the top of the railing and stylishly somersaulted over the heads of the vampires and landed in the middle. As she landed, she whipped around in a circle with stakes in both hands and three vampires dusted right then. Two others ducked and then hit her simultaneously, she flew several yards horizontally and knocked down two more, one of whom dusted as she rolled to her feet. She kicked out at another and spun around kicking three – she flipped up into the air and came down upside down with her hands around another neck. She twisted her body while still in the air and twisted that vamps head right off, dusted.

In the meantime, the rest of the Scoobies grabbed weapons, Giles and Xander fired crossbows into the crowd, and Willow tried out a new weapon (new to her, it was probably 40,000 years old in concept) – she grabbed her new spear thrower (AKA the atlatl) and several short spears, or long skinny stakes depending on your point of view, and started flinging spears into the vampires. In short order five more were dust. By now the crowd had thinned out enough that the vamps were able to dodge incoming spears and arrows, so the gang grabbed stakes and jumped into battle. Sydney and Dixon looked at each other, smiled slightly, grabbed stakes and also entered the field of action.

Buffy had gotten two more in the meantime; it wasn't long before the battle was one-to-one. Another minute of intense fighting and three more were gone. At two people per vamp, it took only seconds to end it.

Everyone except Buffy was trying to catch their breath, looking around a little wildly, happy to have been successful. Buffy was calm and collected, looking for the escape hatch for the vamps that got away – Harmony and possibly Spike, even though he hadn't been in evidence.

"Well," said Giles, "that was bracing. Does anyone have any clue as to what might be next?"

Buffy replied, "Well, it's really up to our quote detectives unquote, are you guys still determined to find your Artifact?"

"Yes," said Sydney, "that's our mission. But it's time for me to earn my salary, I'll call in and see if there is a new location for Able's cell phone." She dug out her cell phone and called Marshall.

"Marshall? This is Syd. Yes, hi, look Marshall, we lost em. They had quite a few, uh, confederates in the warehouse and we had to fight our way out. They all scattered to the winds," Buffy rolled her eyes at that phrase, "and the main bad guys took off during the fight. If you could locate that phone again it would really be helpful." She paused to listen. After a few moments she said, "Mmmm, OK, thanks," and she hung up. She looked around, climbed up a convenient ladder out of the pit and found a red cell phone lying on a shelf. She picked it up, displayed it to the rest, and said, "Well, anyone have any new ideas?"

Willow frowned and asked, "How the heck does your guy track a cell phone that's turned off?"

"You know Willow, I asked that very same question. And I am sorry to say that I couldn't begin to understand the answer. All I can say is it has something to do with satellites, capacitors and batteries. Beyond that, I really don't know."

-- --

After dark Sydney and Buffy walked into Willy's to see if there were any notes from the underground, while Dixon was with Willow, Giles, and Dawn, having a research party back at the Magic Box.

Willy looked up when the front door slammed open and said loudly, "Hey, it's the Slayer. Look guys, the Slayer's come round to our little neck of the woods!"

Buffy smiled grimly at Willy as patrons cleared the back doors. "So Willy, what's new in town?"

"Ah, this wouldn't be another Slayer would it?" Willy asked nervously while checking out Sydney, "cause if she is its cool, but how many of you chicks are there?"

"No Willy," said Sydney, "I am a private detective, not a Slayer. But I can make trouble for you." She glanced at Buffy, tossing the ball so to speak. Sydney really felt out of place. She was having trouble just taking in the various weird people and demons and such that were still slinking out of the bar.

"Willy, have you seen Harmony or Spike today?" asked Buffy with a smile that made Willy shiver in his shoes, "and would you happen to have any suggestions as to where we might find them now?"

"Well Slayer, it's like this, if I tell you what you want to know, Spike might decide to kill me, or Harmony might kill me by accident. You know how it is, I can't just blurt out what little I know, and besides, I don't know nothin' bout anythin'!"

WHAM!

"OW! OW! What ja go an do that for!" exclaimed Willy, as he experimentally moved his jaw back and forth to see if it was broken.

"Willy, Willy, Willy. You know you're going to tell me everything I need to know, or I start whaling on you. Even worse, I'll get Faith down here and you just know that she'll take a great deal of pleasure in spattering your blood all over the place."

"Wait, Faith is still in a coma at the hospital…"

"So Willy, you don't know 'nothin' bout anythin' do you?" said Buffy, with a little smile at Sydney.

"Well Slayer, that's common knowledge, but as far as Spike and Harmony, well, that could be dangerous to me."

"What would be dangerous to you," said Sydney, "is if you don't start talking immediately. I have friends who can make you very uncomfortable, so much pain over hours, even days, that you'll talk and talk and talk, until…"

Willy looked a little shook up at that. "OK, OK! Look, I don't know a whole lot about their business, but Harmony said something about going back for her unicorns. I didn't think unicorns really existed, but when you see some of my clientele maybe it's not so far fetched. Anyway, that's about all I know."

Buffy said, "Drat, I should have looked there first!"

"Unicorns?" asked Sydney with raised eyebrows, "surely not!"

"Oh, they're cheap ceramics, back at the crypt where you guys found poor Able's corpse. The bedroom area you saw to get there."

"Oh yeah, I remember now."

-- --

As Sydney and Buffy walked out of Willy's, Buffy turned and asked, "You weren't serious about torturing Willy, were you?"

"No, no, of course not. The CIA doesn't do that sort of thing, you know, what with the Constitution and all those tedious rules and regulations."

"Oh, good. I was worried there for a moment."

"No, we just turn prisoners over to our friends in Afghanistan – they take care of our all our torturing needs." At Buffy's look of horror, Sydney laughed and added, "Just kidding!"

A few moments later Buffy borrowed Syd's cell phone. "Hi mom! I just thought I'd check in to let you know I'll be in a little late tonight." (Listens to phone.) "What do mean? I'm sure I call you all the time, no mom, of course everything is fine, no, really." (Listens) "No, Dawn isn't with me, why should she be? I sent her home around three this afternoon!" (Listens) "I'll look for her, I'll get Giles and the CIA looking for if I have to! No, I'm sure she's fine, no, that was just a joke! Look, I think I know where to look, I've got to go, don't worry so much, bye mom!"

"Trouble?" asked Syd, with a frown.

"Yeah, my sister's missing. The trouble is, I really have no idea where to look."

"Was that the younger girl that I saw with you at the coffee bar?"

"Yes, that was Dawn, a right pain in the ass, but she's my sister so I have to find her, and get her out of a jam, again."

"Could she have followed you to the factory?"

"Probably," replied Buffy, "so that's where we'll start. And besides, it's on the way to Harmony's lair. May I make a couple more calls on your phone?"

"Sure, go ahead, but only if you promise not to make any more CIA references."

"Spoilsport!"

-- --


	5. Chapter 4

Chapter IV 'Oh shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!' 

– _Anon._

-- --

"LET GO OF ME YOU CLUMSY STUPID UGLY VAMPIRES!" Dawn shrieked, "My sister is the Slayer and she's so gonna put stakes through your hearts! If you value your existence you'll let me go right now, this very instant! Right now! OK, in just one more minute!"

Dawn struggled valiantly with the two vampires who were dragging her down the tunnel. She stomped on their feet, kicked them in the shins, tried to kick them wherever she could reach. But it was to no avail, the vamps, with long-suffering expressions, resolutely dragged her with them, doing their best to avoid her feet.

"Hey boss, look what we found sneaking around the warehouse!" said the first red-shirt vamp to Spike.

"Well, well, well," said Spike with a leer, "and what do we have here?"

When Dawn saw Spike her brave front faltered a bit, but she stood up and bit out, "My sisters gonna kill you."

Spike mused to his henchvamps, as well as to himself, "It's the Slayer's little sis. Well, you could be a good bit of bait, huh little bit. Of course, it might be some kind of trap. And even if not, you could be more dangerous to hold on to than to kill. I remember when Angelus kidnapped you during that whole 'lost my soul' folderol – the Slayer went bonkers and damned near wiped out half of Sunnydale's underground denizens before getting her back."

Spike turned back to Dawn and said with decision, "I won't kill you just yet, but you be on your best behavior if you want to live."

Dawn glared angrily.

"Where the hell is Harmony?" Spike asked his red-shirts, "That bint better not be going behind my back with one of her half-baked plans. Either of you know where she is?"

"No boss, last I saw she was running away. It was an arresting sight though – she looks good from the rear."

Spike didn't much react to that observation because he was listening to footsteps in the tunnel. "Quiet! Hear that? Sounds like people coming down the tunnel from the warehouse," Spike whispered.

Everyone waited silently for a few moments, until Dawn suddenly screamed at the top of her healthy lungs, "BUFFY!"

Spike backhanded her viciously; she fell to the floor, nearly unconscious.

Buffy and Sydney ran around the corner. They skidded to a stop when they saw Spike and his two cohorts. Buffy shot Dawn an anguished look and then jumped at Spike and whacked him in the noggin with both feet. Spike fell back into the cave wall, but he rebounded and attacked Buffy. Sydney, never one to avoid a fight, jumped towards the other two vamps, who themselves were getting ready to jump Syd. They were surprised when she took the offensive.

Sydney shouted to Buffy, "STAKE!" Buffy shook a stake free of her sleeve and tossed it over her shoulder towards Syd, who wasn't surprised when the stake fell neatly into her hand. She did a back flip, kicked one of the vamps during her arc. She fell to the floor and swept her leg around into the standing vampire, who fell on top of Sydney. But he didn't notice her stake was in the right position, and he dusted. Sydney did that backflippy thing and was on her feet moments later. The other vampire decided it was time to run, he beat feet so fast Sydney couldn't even throw her stake in time. She turned and faced Spike.

"What the hell is this?" exclaimed Spike in an aggrieved tone, "you're not another of these twice bedamned Slayers are you? The other one's still in a coma, there can't be three of you!"

"No," Syd replied, "I'm just making a citizen's arrest." This confused Spike considerably. He backed up and decided he didn't like the odds anymore, so he ran.

"Dawn! Are you all right! I knew I should have walked you home. Did those creeps sneak around and attack you? No wait, it was daylight. You must have followed me! Just wait till I get you home young lady, Mom's gonna ground you forever!" Dawn looked properly chastised.

-- --


	6. Chapter 5

Chapter V

_'If you believe absurdities, you will commit atrocities.'   
Voltaire_

-- --

Sloane answered his phone, "Yeah," he said in his usual bored fashion.

"Hi there! Is this Mr. Sloane?" asked a bright chirpy female voice.

"Who is this? You've got five seconds to explain yourself or face serious consequences." Sloane pushed another button on his phone to get Security Section's attention.

"My name's Harmony? And I understand you've got a thing, a thing for this Rambo guy? And you'll pay a million dollars for this rusty iron box? Is that right? Are you the right guy?"

Sloane was startled. After a moment he answered, "Is it possible that you are referring to Milo Rambaldi? And that you have, in your possession, a Rambaldi artifact?"

"Why yes Mr. Sloane, I'm holding this chime-y clock thingy, it's pretty heavy cuz' it's made out of old metal, you know, the kind that's heavy. Anyway, I'll be glad to sell it to you because then I'll finally have enough money to go to Paris, I've always wanted to go to Paris but my honey-bunny-Spikey wouldn't take me! Can you believe that? I would've done anything …"

Sloane cut her off impatiently, "Yes Miss Harmony, I will buy it from you. Would you like to come to my office? I'll have a check waiting for you."

The ditzy high school Harmony wouldn't have noticed Sloane's _Spider to the Fly_ tone of voice, but her demon side was harder to fool. "I don't THINK so! You will meet me at an underpass, at the stroke of midnight…"

"Midnight meetings Miss Harmony, isn't that a bit melodramatic?"

"All right, make it eight PM, I'll fax you directions. And it's Ms. Kendall, Ms. Harmony Kendall, but most people just call me Harmony."

-- --

_'I know something you don't!'  
--Anon._

_'Man, was I ever wrong!'  
-- Anon._

-- --

A black limousine glided to a smooth stop by a well-lit phone booth out in the middle of nowhere. Sloane got out and waited patiently, thinking dark thoughts about how good a target he was standing under the only light in miles on a dark night – until the phone rang. He picked it up and said, "Yeah, what now?"

Harmony chirped, "Oh goody, you got there just in time! Isn't this fun? I can't wait to meet you! Now you need to drive back toward LA, and when you pass the third overpass slow down and look for a manhole, or should I say personhole? What do you think?"

"I think you may call it whatever you like," Sloane said with nearly infinite patience.

"OK! Anyway, it'll be on your right. There's one with the cover already removed. You must climb down to a large pipe, and then go about fifty feet to the left, and that's where I'll be! And you can give me my million dollars and I'll give you this metal thingy!"

Sloane acknowledged his directions and hung up the pay phone. He said into his cell phone, "Did you get that Marshall?"

"Yes sir," replied Marshall, "I've pulled up the storm drain plans and there are quite a few very large tunnels there. It's a junction. You'll be there in about twelve minutes, Security Team Five is only ten minutes from the meeting place, and I'll guide them in by an alternate route. You won't have any trouble catching this perp!"

-- --

'A petty enemy is more dangerous than a great one!'   
--S. Andrew Swann

-- --

Sloane tramped down the surprisingly well-lit and spacious storm drain, getting his sixteen hundred dollar custom made Italian shoes wet and muddy. He was quite pissed about this and was looking forward to capturing Harmony and perhaps causing her a great deal of pain. He didn't usually take pleasure in that sort of thing, but Harmony had really pushed his buttons the wrong way.

He frowned as he saw that his quarry was on the other side of a set of metal bars. Very stout metal bars, set solidly across the concrete tunnel. But if Marshall had done his job right, Security Team Five was coming up behind that cheap blond gold digger.

"Hi Mr. Sloane," Harmony waved cheerily at him, "here's your Rambo metal thingy! I hope this is what you wanted! Do you have my money with you?"

"Yes, Miss Kendall, I have one million dollars in used, one hundred dollar, non-consecutive bills, packed in a valise, as per your direction." He opened the case and displayed the money.

"Is it a Louis Vuitton like I asked? I mean really, nothing else will do!"

"Yes Miss Harmony," said Sloane, with a sigh, "it is a Louis Vuitton valise." Sloane's precise pronunciation contrasted with Harmony's fractured efforts.

"Oh goody, goody!" she squealed, bouncing excitedly on her a feet, "here's your old clock! Reach in with the case in your right hand and I'll do the same with the clock in my right hand." They carefully put their respective cases through the bars. When they were both satisfied that each had the other case they slowly withdrew their hands. Harmony opened her case and looked at the money. Her eyes glistened with tears of joy, "Oh, this is simply wonderful!" she gushed, "You've no idea how happy this makes me!"

Sloane's reaction to the Rambaldi clock was nearly the same, just subtler. Until he spoke into his sleeve, "Move in."

Harmony looked up in surprise when three tough looking men walked up behind her. They were so confident they didn't even bother to smirk. She closed the case, put it behind her (making sure it was out of Sloane's reach) and then it was her turn to surprise everyone. She leaped to her feet and vamped out. It was really no fight at all, in seconds she took out the throats of all three, using both claws and fangs, while growling ferociously. She ended up standing in a pool of blood among three corpses, blood dripped off her fangs and smeared her chin while she wore an expression guaranteed to strike fear in the heart of almost anyone.

But Sloane looked no more than mildly upset, standing straight, gazing at Harmony with only a slight frown from the other side of the bars.

"Now look what you made me do!" wailed Harmony, "look at my nails! I'll have to get them done again! You have no idea how hard it is to find a first class nail salon that's open after dark. Ooooh! And you made me get blood all over my nice clothes!"

With snake-like speed, Sloane whipped a silenced pistol from his jacket and without pause or warning shot Harmony three times in the chest.

She shouted, "Ow! Ow! Ow! Hey, stop that!" and picked up the money case and turned to leave, and said over her shoulder, "If you'd rather I didn't snap your scrawny neck, don't try to find me. And as for this money, I suggest that you forget about it." And she flounced off, leaving Sloane staring grimly at Harmony's flexing buttocks.

_Oh well_, he thought, still shaken by what he had seen, _I've got the clock, and the rest of this affair shall remain forever unknown to anyone but me._

-- --

'You're kidding me!'   
--Anon.

-- --

Sydney's cell phone rang, she answered it. The others stood around and stared at her as she talked. "Yes Mr. Sloane, what … no, that's not … really? Oh, OK, we'll head back."

"I can't believe it!" Sydney said to the others, "Harmony somehow got a hold of Sloane directly and sold him the box for a million bucks!

"Seriously?" asked Buffy, "I wouldn't have thought Harmony could do it. Still, it's probably what's she always wanted more than anything else in the world. I wonder if she can corner the market on cheap ceramic unicorns?" she said, with a sideways glance at Xander and Dawn.

Dixon frowned thoughtfully, "But how did she know to contact Sloane? I would have thought that impossible."

"Well," said Syd, "remember that telephone transcript? At the end that must have been Harmony who picked up Montague's cell phone, Sloane was probably on speed dial."

"You mean the phone that's in your pocket?"

Sydney looked through her pockets but couldn't find the phone. She shrugged and said, "Well, I must have lost it and she must have found it. Oh well."

-- --


	7. Epilogue

Epilogue

_If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world.  
J. R. R. Tolkien (1892 - 1973)_

Sydney, Dixon, and the entire Scooby gang, were sitting at the dining room table at Buffy's house, enjoying a home cooked dinner with Joyce.

Sydney said, "In my line of work I don't get many home cooked meals, especially when it's this good, and in such good company. I'm sorry we have to head back to LA tonight."

Dixon added, "This is every bit as good as my wife's cooking, and that's not something I say lightly."

-- --

"So were the hell is Harmony?" Spike angrily inquired.

"Don't know boss," said one of the minions, "last I saw she had grabbed that red cell phone from the melee upstairs, and took off with that box. We haven't seen her since."

"Well hell, good riddance. I hope she's happy with her money. I think it's time to get some sleep, now that I know she won't be bothering me any more."

The End 


End file.
